:(

Ugh!!!! I have been on the waiting list for nursing school for a little over a year and i really thought that this time this run was finally my time. well they posted the last public date time stamp was 6/16/09 and since they took over a month to process my application my date time stamp is 8/14/09 so it looks like i will have another semester of sitting on my butt bored out of my mind being bitter that im 28 and still not f'ing done with school which i started when i was 24. Im just so angry right now. i needed to vent not that anyone really reads my blogs but still im sick to death of being on that damn waiting list.

wow i suck at keeping up with my blogs :)

Well now let me see it has been almost a year since i last blogged and i know lots of stuff has happened the key is can i remember lol. Well for starters we moved last feb from mesa to sierra vista. My husband got a job down there with general dynamics. I have to say i am so glad that we moved the weather is so much better the scenery just cant be beat and its a good place to raise kids. I am however sad that we had to leave our church as of yet we still have not found a church home down here, and i still dont know anyone down here.

As for school i am still on the waiting list for nursing school it has been a year. While i am not happy it is taking so long to finish school I am glad that i have been able to stay at home and raise my girls. Paige just turned 1 year old in july and is such a sweet little girl. Blythe and Bresse are now 4 1/2 and are going to a christian preschool three days a week which they love.

Aside from being borded alot because i dont know anyone down here yet i am doing pretty good i have just started an online bible study about the fruits of the spirit which i am excited about. ill be honest though i have been pretty bummed as of late about the fact that i cant have anymore kids. Well mostly a son. I have begun to think about surrogacy as a future option. But dont have anything set just thoughts really. I find it strange when i was young i really did not want to have any kids, i didnt like them and wanted to travel. Now that i have them i cant believe that i love being a mom and that my heart is truely sad that i can not have a son. Ill be honest though i still dont like most other peoples kids lol. However there are some that i do like more so then when i was young. I am however very thankful for the three beautiful girls that i do have and feel for people who cant even have one of their own, it seems so unfair sometimes that some women can get pregnant and have abortions just to get pregnant again and do it all over again, while some good hearted women who honsetly want to have a child cant. Well enough about that.

Im about to take another trip to Tx. Ill leave on the 30th of this month and be back on the 3rd of oct. Im not looking forward to flying with three kids by myself but i know how much the girl love their Nana and Papa so it will be all worth it. I just hope Paige does well on the flight it will be her second time flying.

One last thing this year we will be taking the girls on the polar express, the one that is up in the Grand canyon, i am so excited for them ive told them about it but i dont think they understand they are just excited cause grandma and grandpa are going too. Im already looking for some matching christmas pj's for all my girls to go in, its going to be so cute! anyway that is going to be at the end of nov all of dec was already booked by the time my parents booked all of us.

I hate when i forget to blog

Well it looks like its been almost 6 months since i last posted a blog, i hate when i do that.lol

Well i just got back for am 4 day trip to Texas where my twins got to see their Nana and Papa and we celebrated their 4th birthday on Tuesday. The girls had such a great time and everytime i go to Texas it makes me long to move back there. My hubby would have no problems with it if he could find a good enough job there. But it just hasnt come to pass. sigh i feel like i will be stuck in Az forever..yuck! But back to my girls i just cant believe how fast 4 years has gone by it is so true what they say about time going by faster when you get older cause my life just seems to be flying by. And my littlest on Paige is now 5 months old thats just crazy! Anyway now that their birthday is done its time to finish up christmas stuff. They are going to go see santa clause (grandpa) this weekend should be fun! ill try to keep this a bit more on track from now on but im sure ill get busy and forget again..lol its a vicious cycle.

Ode to my uterus

Well in my last post, on june 30th i was counting down the weeks till i got to meet my sweet little baby, little did I know that the very next night would bring the worst pain and biggest scare of my life.

On July 1st about 11pm I started having some strange pains low in my uterus. the pains werent like regular contractions so I didnt think much of it since it was a bad pain, just annoying. As the night went on these annoying pains stated getting stronger and I began to worry since I knew what I was feeling was not normal. At 3 in the morning on July 2nd, I woke my husband up (at least one of us could sleep) and told him something was not right that I was going to take a warm shower to see if it would relax my muscles (it didnt). When I got out the pains were bad enough that I called the on call nurse to ask her what I should do, she advised that I go to the hospital right away. As soon as I hung up the phone I felt the worst pain of my life. It felt like someone took a hot poker and shoved it straight up through my uterus, needless to say it doubled me over and put me in tears faster then one could blink. At this point Cody was already getting dressed and trying to help me as best he could. We managed to get me dressed and down the stairs and into the car with these excruciating pains and spend to the hospital(slowing down only at those stupid photo radars).

Once we got to the hospital they immediately hooked me up to a baby monitor to find the babys heart beat. the nurse must have covered my whole belly several time and heard nothing, then started asking me when the last time i felt the baby move was of course scaring me shitless at this point in addition to the continuing pain I was experiencing. I had felt the baby move at ten that night and it was now 4:30am. At last they found a very faint heartbeat of only 60 which as you know is extremely low. Next thing I knew I was in the OR being prepped for an emergency c-section scared to death I was losing my baby and begging for pain medicine it hurt so bad.

When I finally came too my husband was there to tell me that they got to the baby just in time and that she was doing ok. Then the nurse came in to tell me that since I had lost so much blood they might have to give me a transfusion, but that they were going to wait to see if my body would pick up the pace, luckily it did and I narrowly escaped a transfusion. Then a doctor came in to tell me what had happened and I was shocked. Apparently my uterus ripped open and spilled everything the baby, amniotic fluid, placenta into my abdomen, and that this sort of occurrence almost always results in the lost of the baby and mother. Talk about a miracle that my baby and I are still here. I asked how it could rip open like that and he said that my previous c-section scars had not healed strong and gave way. Know wonder it hurt so bad it was my uterus ripping open.

Anyway the baby and I are doing well but I am no longer able to have children, which makes me very sad because we were going to try for one more (we really wanted a son) and then tie my tubes. While I am sad I am very grateful to have Paige and myself safe and healthy. My poor uterus :(

Update

Well its now 4 weeks till my scheduled c-section and I am so excited to meet my little one. Im even more excited about getting my body back and not having to suffer so much in this Arizona heat. I think if that woman who has like 20 kids had to go through one pregnancy in this Arizona heat she would have thought twice before popping out so many kids. Theres an idea use arizona summer heat as birth control.lol Only down side about having this c section is that they want to do an amneocentesis (i am sure I completely butchered the spelling) a couple days before. you know I cant say i am completely comfortable with the idea of having a huge needle stuck into my belly just centimeters from my baby sucking out the surrounding fluid, but the docs seem to think it best to be done. pfft... stupid doctors with their fancy degrees.lol

Along with the excitement of the new baby coming soon, my family and i are also in the process of getting ready to move. Whats that you say? We are crazy for moving in this heat so close to the time of delivery... Well then my friend i would have to say...I completely agree, too bad we cant do much about it, thanks to my oh so wonderful friends here at our complex, who sent us notices saying our lease was up in june but when we went to put in our notice said oops you have to be here till July sorry....Jerks!!!

On the plus side the twins are very excited about moving and about being big sisters. They talk to the baby in my belly and give her kisses. And always try to feel her kicking. So cute Well i guess thats it for now ill try to keep more on top of my blog from now on but with all the craziness i can see it being a challenge.

Just feeling yuckie

I dont know if the way i have been feeling lately is because of my pregnancy or just because I was not created to be a stay at home Wife. Lately I have been feeling very trapped by my circumstances, not that they are necessarily bad I just feel trapped. I have really only been feeling this way since I went to being only a full time stay at home wife/ mom before I was in school and while it was challenging to balance everything I was at least content. I thought that maybe I could put My twins in preschool a couple days a week only to be discouraged at the cost of putting two toddlers in preschool. So now im just trying to figure out how to manage my discontent and not let it effect my family, after all none of them have done anything wrong. Now that I am actually thinking about it im sure it is all the pregnancy hormones. It probably doesnt help that I get weekly progesterone injections, which is a mood effecting hormone. What a trip being pregnant is... You have so much happiness yet your body can turn on you and make you equally miserable. Well at least there are only a couple of months left to go. I find myself getting more and more excited as it gets closer to meeting our little Paige Grace. Sigh I hope my sanity will hold that long.lol

The survey says...

So i went to the Dr. today for my 16 week check up. When i got into the room I was informed that today they would be measuring my cervix to make sure it was in good standing. So While they measured my cervix which was very uncomfortable since they have to use the vaginal probe, I just kept thinking about finding out the sex of my little one. When the lady was about done I asked if we were going to look more at the baby and to my dismay she tells me no not this time. I was so bummed, I told her i was hoping to find out the sex today if the baby would let us but i guess id have to wait. Or so I thought. As the ultra sound tech was about to walk out of the room she stopped looked at me and asked me if I wanted to try to see the sex. I got so excited im sure she thought I was a dork. So she switched to the belly ultrasound scanner thing and to my pleasure the little one was in the perfect position for us to see that it was a Little Girl. While I was really really hoping for a boy I am still excited about the baby. Her heart rate is in the 170's and going strong. While that part of the appt was exciting the rest of it really wasnt very encouraging. When the DR. came in I was informed that I have placenta previa. Which in most women is not a problem unless they have had a previous C-section, which I have. The placenta is only slightly over my cervix and there is a very good chance that it will move in the next couple of weeks. However, if it does not i was informed that there would most likely be a 90% chance that when they take the baby, they would also take my uterus with it. I was told this was because the placenta grows into the scar tissue and when it does that they can not detach it. So they will be watching me closely the next couple of weeks to see what the placenta does. sigh